When someone asks you, “Why?” about anything, it raises a little defensiveness.
Depending on the question and its impact on you or your life, their asking the question might raise a lot of defensiveness.
Think about it. You tell someone, “I’m thinking of moving to Spain” and they say, “Oh really? Why?”
Instantly your brain jumps to your defence. “Well because this! And that! And listen the current house is really nice, but it’s so near the city, and we go back and forth to Spain so often…”
When you get asked “why?” you feel like you need to prove something. The question infers that the person asking doesn’t understand, or perhaps doesn’t agree.
Now, this may not be the case at all. They may be genuinely curious. But even when they are, a ‘why’ question will still stir up a need to prove yourself.
“We’re getting rid of our offices.” “Oh really, why?”
“We don’t offer that service anymore.” “Why?”
“I don’t work with startups.” “Why not?”
Now think about how it would feel if instead of “why”, you were asked a “what” question.
“I’m thinking of moving to Spain.”
“Oh really? What do you love about Spain?”
“We’re getting rid of our offices.”
“Oh, what will you switch to?”
“We don’t offer that service anymore.”
“What are you focusing on instead?”
And so on.
In every case, the ‘what’ question is exploratory. Open. It accepts the proposed change, and wants to know the situation – some of the facts which led to the decision (or the considering of a decision).
When you answer a factual question, there’s no judgement.
You’re simply explaining what happened.
Spain is the place you’ve gone on holiday every year for the last ten years, and you find yourself going there more and more often.
Remote or hybrid working is better for you and the team, because you’ve hired people who live further from the original offices.
In most situations, you can switch from a ‘why’ question to a ‘what’ question very easily – and it will open up the conversation a lot more!
I’d love to hear what happens (see what I did there) when you try it!
Oh – and to be fair, this is primarily for ‘why’ questions from adults. When a small child asks why, it’s usually because they truly don’t understand. And maybe that’s…why. If you say “the train isn’t coming today,” and the child asks, “But why?”…it’s because they really don’t know. They don’t have all the facts, and they don’t get it. Probably disappointed, too. So you answer them, because you’ve read the board or checked up on the situation and now you all know why.
What’s something you are excited about this week?
